Under Pressure
*cue song*
I debated sending this email several times… It’s a bit personal and has the potential to ruffle some feathers…
One hot topic for me lately has been the amount of pressure we are under.Pressure to succeed in certain ways, to meet unexpressed expectations, and basically to be perfect all the time. ***spoiler alert: not possible***
I have recently become aware that despite having done a lot of therapy (and self-work) on how to love myself, and give myself grace for my mistakes, there has been a sneaky program running in the depths of my human hard-drive making me feel like even when I’m completely alone I’m being watched (🎶 cue next song: “Somebody’s Watching Me”). I often feel like at any moment I will see raised eyebrows from onlookers across the room, snuffing at what I decided to eat for breakfast, or the way I brushed my teeth.
As a pastor’s daughter, my experience of childhood was a lot like that of a small-scale celebrity (minus the paparazzi, money, and free trips to Disneyland).
I was ‘known’ to people that I myself didn’t know, put on a pedestal that I didn’t earn, and I felt like I was under a perpetual microscope - everyone analyzing, commenting, and of course, gossiping in the form of ‘prayer chains’, about my every move - but more notably - my every mistake.
Side note: One of the things that was most difficult for me was the judgement I received from PERCEIVED mistakes. I vividly remember being punished for things I didn’t do, just in case I did do them. And phew, that stuff latches on to the subconscious like ‘white on rice’.
I was taught from a young age to live “above reproach” - which essentially means to never set a bad example (because you are personally responsible for other people’s ability to ‘stay pure’ or stick to their own beliefs). On top of that, my parent’s reputation as leaders in the church was in my hands…. and still is in many ways (sorry, mom and dad).
Though I can absolutely get on board with the idea of having high moral standards, spreading goodness, and being mindful of the examples we set; the extent of scrutiny I experienced as a child/young adult was particularly difficult. Needless to say, I was under a lot of pressure.
It’s only recently that I realized that, despite being in an entirely different environment, I have been running an outdated, subconscious program resulting in me putting an immense amount of unnecessary pressure on myself. Yay, survival instincts….
And yep, you guessed it - the reason I debated sending this email was…*drum roll please*… because of the amount of pressure I feel to be perceived in a certain way, so….
Here’s to me letting myself breathe!
I am giving you permission to do the same.
Maybe be a little less productive, a little less responsible, a little less “perfect”, today. I am NOT encouraging you to go be a selfish, reckless human…. but give yourself grace and know that sometimes doing your best IS letting yourself operate at 80%.