It’s not you, it’s me.
…But it’s also you.
I used to roll my eyes at the cliches about how forgiveness is more about you than the other person, until I experienced it firsthand.
Years ago I experienced the betrayal of a lifetime by both my best friend and husband at the time. I was devastated to say the least. I did the usual processing like… putting on heavy metal music and screaming into a pillow, writing burn letters and spending solo time in nature. And though these things helped, I was still left with this rotting feeling in my stomach, primarily towards my best friend who had yet to take any responsibility (Let’s call her Lauren).
It was shortly after this experience that I decided to sit with Ayahuasca for the first time. I was instructed beforehand that if certain themes come up in my journey, I should lean into them to see what the lesson is there.
On my first sit, Lauren started coming to mind and my reaction was a firm “OH, HELL NO”.
I thought surely there was something else I could focus on. I was adamant not to let her “ruin” my journey, as she had other aspects of my life (or so I thought). She kept popping up, and I kept squirming with discomfort until finally I begrudgingly said “OKAY. FINE. WHAT?!”
That’s when I had a vision that changed my life.
Suddenly, I was watching this little girl - about 3 years old - waddling around, sippy cup in hand, as she navigated a busy theme park. It was Lauren. She kept grasping for her parent’s hand but they were always just out of reach. She had a small pit in her stomach and as the vision continued like a rapid timeline of her life, the pit grew and grew. Eventually it went through her core (see photo above).
As time passed, the vision depicted her frantically trying to fill this hole, stuffing it with cheap “remedies” such as addictions and validation and…
THEN I SAW HER TAKE MY HUSBAND AND SHOVE HIM THROUGH HER CORE, AS AN ATTEMPT TO FILL HER VOID.
🤯 That was my Aha! moment. That was when I realized that her act of betrayal had nothing to do with me actually, but was her way of trying to cover her own pain (obviously in an unhealthy way). It wasn't actually personal. I was able to actually shift into a place of compassion towards her, ultimately forgiving her.
Now… this did NOT mean that I wanted to run to her and reignite our friendship. In fact, I haven't spoken to her since the day I found out about what she had done. That’s the choice I made. Forgiveness actually didn’t need to involve her at all. But it did release me from the bitter poison I had been sipping on.
My experience—and my anger—were valid, yes. But the shift in my perspective allowed me to heal and move on from the experience (and much of the pain) faster than I, or anyone around me, could have believed.