Lying in my DEBTbed
Not to be dramatic, but….
Three years ago I found myself lying in what I was told was my deathbed.
I had woken up one morning with the worst fever of my life. I talked to a nurse on an app who urged me to go to my nearest hospital immediately. I thought to myself “surely it can’t be that bad” followed by “I can’t afford it". So I consulted a different nurse (who… you guessed it… told me to seek help right away). Instead, I went to a nearby CVS to get a thermometer. After seeing my temp I finally faced the reality that I should probably, maybe, possibly go get help, I guess.
Within minutes of arriving at urgent care I had needles in both arms and 4 nurses whirling in and out of the room. Eventually I was informed that I had signs of sepsis and that I needed to be transferred to the nearest hospital via ambulance.
AMBULANCE!? Do you have any idea how much an ambulance costs? I thought.
I arrived at the hospital (by way of a friend) where I spent the weekend getting pricked left and right, undergoing all kinds of tests, and getting woken up every 2-3 hours.
Eventually they brought in the EOL (end of life) staff to ask me about my “plan”.
MY PLAN? To get out of here as soon as possible, because I can’t afford these bills!!!
Even in my final moments my anxiety around money was the loudest voice…
I was potentially dying and all I could think is “I can’t AFFORD to die”.
Sure, maybe it’s because part of me knew it wasn’t my time to go… But a big part of it truly was that my fear of debt surpassed my fear of death itself.
That realization hit me like a wall of bricks…
That ignited a journey of reassessing my relationship to money.
I no longer wanted money to be the reason I neglected my needs. I no longer wanted money to be what keeps me awake at night, or burning out during the day.
NOW, TRUST ME… this is easier said than done, and everyone is in a different situation. For me, it’s very much still an active process of noticing, reframing and sometimes… trust-falling. I have been on a journey of finding creative ways to pivot, and asking for help when I need it.
And guess what?
I’m in debt.
Lots of it. (this incident was just the first in a chain of hospital visits that year)
And guess what else? Everything is okay.
(Up until that point I had never been in debt. I had been the person who paid for my junk car in cash, sold my bed frame to make rent and ate canned chili for lunch every day when money was tight)
So as I ring in the new year, I’m taking time to reflect on what truly matters. If I found myself in that place again, what would be top of mind?
I hope your “death bed” experience is many years from now, but when it comes, what will matter most to you?
Not what do you WANT to matter most, but I challenge you to take a moment to ponder what actually WILL? Is there a leap you would regret not taking. Is there a person you’d wished you’d gotten to know better?
I will say that having that experience has made me a bolder liver of life. And for that, I am forever grateful.
And truthfully? I still have anxiety about my debt. But that anxiety doesn’t get to be in the driver’s seat anymore.